Death & Taxes

In some places, Botley included, families have lived in the same house for generations. In future, people may have to move in order to pay rapacious Inheritance Tax on their property - assuming they haven't had to sell it beforehand, and paid Stamp Duty, to pay for a place in a care home. Or remortgaged it to afford care in the home; private medical operation; or private prescriptions for medicines denied to pensioners (in reality, for being too old) - and therefore expendable.

The above, of course, does not apply to the very wealthy (and that includes politicians milking the lecture circuit; flogging self-serving memoirs; ignoring dead servicemen; by showing the hard decisions they had to take). The Duke of Westminster's billion pound estate will pass to his heir virtually intact. As for the Royal Family, well ...

Those villagers, who worked all their lives, will have seen the value of their private pensions savagely cut as a result of the tax raid on pension funds by the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Some will only have savings accrued, and taxed, during their lifetime as their company pension scheme folded sometime ago, leaving little or nothing. Remember the Maxwell saga, and all-party political support to ensure "it never happens again"? How hollow and empty the promises made. How many company pensions schemes have gone the same way since then? And how silent the politicians are now on the subject.

State pensions, of course, only increase by a derisory amount each year. Not to mention the prospect of compulsorily working onto 70 years of age or beyond. Better hope that B&Q radically grows to meet the demand for jobs from erstwhile pensioners.

How long before Government inspectors lever open coffins to ensure that any gold rings are seized, or the duty paid?

The Barons and Bishops who presented King John with the Magna Carta to sign at Runnymede on 10 June 1215 had far less to complain of than today's oppressed villagers approaching, or of, pensionable age.

The USA's War of Independence followed the imposition of an unfair tax on tea. The Boston Tea Party should serve as a fine example to those who believe in fighting injustice. And nothing is more unjust than depriving people of their own homes by stealth taxes, aimed at the most vulnerable section of society.

The assault on the Houses of Parliament by a massed gathering of zimmer frames will be scheduled for the next opening of Parliament.

Politicians, local and national, are meant to serve their constituents. The reality is that they serve themselves far better - just look at their expenses, pay, and pensions! Instead they are intent on foisting on us unwanted legislation and rules - who wants the Liberal Democrats proposed tax of 1% per annum of the value of their house? Who asked local authorities to electronically tag wheelie refuse bins, so householders could be fined for transgressing any diktat from the town hall?

Forget which, if any, political party you normally vote for, and turn every local and national seat into a marginal. The over 50s actually possess the numbers, and therefore the power, to do this - furthermore it is the most reliable age group for voting.

By potentially taking away the financial trough from politicians, the better the prospects of a decent standard of living in old age.

Whiff of Hypocrisy

Climate warming is taken as a serious issue in Botley. After carefully studying "List of countries by carbon dioxide emissions per capita" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_carbon_dioxide_emissions_per_capita) it was felt that although the UK, ranked only 38th in the world with 9.4 metric tons per capita in 2003 (- compared to the USA, ranked 10th with 19.8 metric tons per capita, and much maligned China, ranked 109th with 3.2 metric tons per capita), the good citizens of Botley came up with with startling new proposals.

Cows, as noted by no less a person than President George W. Bush, are a major source of methane gas. As from 1st October, all the herds in Botley will be fitted with methane gas collectors and the gas stored until such time as technological improvements allow its use in automobiles.

The current Liberal Democrat proposal to increase tax on 4X4 vehicles to £2,000 per annum does not go far enough in penalising us as rural users. A new tax is proposed to cover the equine set. From 1st January 2007, horses, which also emit methane gas, will be subject to a horseshoe tax of £750 per annum, rising to £1500 for horses over 12 hands. Greenhouse gases emanating from dung heaps will, of course, be subject to a new Royal Commission, following an extensive fact finding tour of various exotic locations by MPs - some whose names even their own political parties have difficulty recognising.

A media law will be introduced in the Queen's Speech, creating a new offence of ridiculing important people, such as the Government, MPs and members of the Royal Family. The European Union will be excluded as that would be stretching credulity too far. Examples of potential offences include:

Questioning whether Chris Huhne, MP and tough shadow Environment spokesman for the Liberal Democrats, or his wife drives a BMW 7 car. And has he installed sources for renewable energy in all of his five properties.

Mentioning Price Andrew's, a.k.a. Air Miles Andy, frequent use of helicopters to travel to and fro golf courses.

Does the Prime Minister really need a motorcade with police outriders to get him from Downing Street to the House of Parliament?

Should Ministers use the Queen's Flight to get to Strasbourg?

Or suggesting that Michael O'Leary would be delighted to find space for all the above on Ryanair.

Determined churchwarden

Pretty churches dominate the life of small villages, and Botley is no exception. Panic flashed through my brain as I walked along the narrow footpath, with railings to the left and unseen juggernauts hurtling by to my right and from behind. In front, heading towards me was the female churchwarden with a slightly mad glint in her eye - oh dear, she's on a mission, but this was swiftly overtaken by the thought that Silas, the mad albino monk from Opus Dei, was not nearly so scary.

Perhaps I should always carry crucifix and garlic, but that would send out the message I had joined the evangelical wing of the Church of England. Do I really want the vicar resplendent in canary coloured shirt, strumming his guitar to some happy clappy ditty? Perhaps not. So just have to take the punishment like a man.

Too much to hope for The Rapture right now - when, according to End Timers, faithful Christians will be swept up to heaven without warning - before the strident voice could boom forth at an increasingly high pitch.

'Have you got your tickets for the Swing Night, as they are going fast', she said. I was transfixed by her beady eye - a bit like a rabbit in the headlights of a car in a underpass with nowhere to hide.

Swing Night? I would marginally prefer a spiked cilice for a couple of hours a day.

I am sure the choice of entertainment - Swing Night, Night at the Proms, et al - is deliberately chosen to ensure the maximum amount of suffering.

There will be a price to be paid in the future for passing on the Swing Night. It gives a new meaning to Danegeld.

Village setting

Botley is a pretty little linear village situated just north of the M27 in Hampshire. Unfortunately its High Street forms part of the A334 and, worse, it is on the main route from the M27 to the vehicle testing station just outside the village. But that doesn't stop villagers enjoying a pleasant conversation - even if it means shouting to each other above the roar of juggernauts thundering through the village.

It's easy to tell the difference between villagers and outsiders. As the pavement on the south side of High Street is only wide enough for one person, the former known as 'crabbers' walk sideways to avoid being hit by juggernauts speeding past perilously close and encroaching on pedestrian space.

Wheelchair users should always use the north side of the High Street as the pavement, although uneven and fluctuating in width, at least gives you a sporting chance of making it to the local shops. If you need to cross the road, then invest in a F1 McClaren motorised wheelchair.

Forget any attempt to park in the limited disabled car parking spaces as these are, more or less, permanently filled by women in their early 30s visiting one of the hairdressing salons, or the nail shop. To the young lady driver from Ocean FM radio, it may not be too smart to advertise this fact, or show your prowess at the 100m sprint when parked a disabled bay!

The residents would like a road by-pass, but a handful of shops - mainly those with owners who do not live in the village - resist change. It will probably only occur after a few road fatalities or, more likely, when more small shops close because of limited parking

At night, the traffic drops off and it is a much pleasanter environment in the village. Just cross the road quicker to avoid youngsters who drive their cars over 50mph in our 30mph zone. They are easy to spot though, as typically they play radios at 80dB and have blue neon lights under the car. No chance, of course, of seeing cars with blue neon lights on top in Botley unless the police are just driving through. Legend has it that the occasional police car has been spotted outside The Dolphin pub watching the antics of after-hour drinkers taking part in a whole host of anti-social activities, such as wrecking flower baskets; violent disorder et al.

Botley is a camera free zone, so no need to worry about speeding, or anti-social behaviour, then.

The villagers are, in the main, nice, cheerful, and necessarily, stoic people. A true village atmosphere exists and there are many active local groups. The latter includes fishing and boating in the upper tidal reaches of the River Hamble. The former, for sea trout, is carried out without the need for a rod licence.

The most famous former resident was William Cobbett, political journalist and agitator, who lived in Botley in the early 1800s. But that's a story for another day ....